DANGEROUSLY ADDICTIVE.

||ll||l|lll||l|
observation de vous;

observation de moi
on isolé tiennent le premier rôle
vous ne savez pas qui vous êtes
j'ai vous ai toujours aimé
mais vous avez pris mon amour pour accordé
parole au revoir

the 4 hearts

Friday, February 29, 2008

yesterday it suddenly came upon to me what would happen if he died. and then the tears came so naturally. they say it's okay, not to fear death. maybe we all don't really fear it; we fear how life would be for us if people close to us died. i remember how my grandmother died. and from that day onwards i never wanted to let anyone close to me die. i bought a rose for her; i intend to put it beside her urn. it's a very pretty rose. i don't want him to die. because i wouldn't know what i'd do without him. and then as i thought longer and harder, who's going to be the one there making me smile? it is something like a break up is it not? but at least if it's just a break up, i know i can hope that one day it would be like how it used to be. if he died, would he even know about the million of things i felt and thought about him that i never had the guts to say to him? would he know how much love i have for him, how sorry i am for making him mad, how appreciative i am for all his efforts, how i think his company beats anything else? i want him to know. but im stuck when i have to put all these into words. i just live everyday as if nothing's changed, that everything's just normal. but everything's changed. everyday, everything changes. the way i feel about everything changes within a day. it never stays the same. i can love him so much more within a day. and it could just keep increasing. how can it even be the same? but i want him to know. i don't know how to make him know. i can say all those words over and over again. but the depth those words carry can mean so much more than what he hears. i don't want him to die. i don't want him to ever die.

p/s. i would like to trade hearts with you so that you may know how much i feel for you.

- everything's just temporary;
12:59 AM

Saturday, February 23, 2008

tomorrow when i wake up, mount faber would just be a dream that had seemed to be too real.

- everything's just temporary;
1:13 AM

Thursday, February 21, 2008

let me explain all the names on my nick.

lester (lesman) -- for talking to me on msn even though i don't respond. and his doing so makes me smile. esp when i feel like i've got no one around or that i'm very lonely. i know that there's someone around who's willing to listen when i feel down. that he cares. thanks. (:

daoshan (alan byy) -- for being there when i needed yu, despite yur circumstances. always being there. and knowing exactly how to make me smile. yu bring the smiles on my face naturally. (:

joanne -- for suggesting we eat mac breakfast which brought a smile on my face. (: thanks for the listening ear too dear. ((:

jiaying -- for letting me be distracted by everything else that you suggested we talked about and for making me smile with all your crazy drunk stories. love. ((:

chris -- for letting me crash your hall, for letting me sleep in and disturb you till late, ffor making me the best MAC & CHEESE ever! for watching juno with me though i know you watched it already. and for sitting at the busstop with me listening to be going crazy. and lastly for always watching over me. always. (:

eejin -- for sending me home last min in the middle of the night despite having 2 quizzes the next day and listening to my nonsense in the car though they don't make much sense. (:

steph lim -- for hearing me out and siding me when i needed to hear that i wasn't alone. thought a short mrt ride, i really felt so much better. thanks. ((:

steph megan -- for being the bestest 17 yr old in the whole world. i love you uber muchie sweetie. the most adorable and lovable little kid that i'll always care for with all my heart.

steph megan's mom -- for the best tom yum soup in the whole wide world. (: thanks auntie. your soup made me forget my worries for awhile. you got it rocking my world! love love.

joseph -- for making me talk about all the great times. (: they were missed.

max -- for your phone call that didn't even last a min. you made it worth it. (:

God -- for letting me know all the above people. without them, i wouldn't know what to do.

this is the best lent i've ever experienced.

- everything's just temporary;
3:24 PM

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

i don't love you like i loved you yesterday.

- everything's just temporary;
10:56 PM

Monday, February 18, 2008

recently i learnt that in times of need, when you find for someone, those that appear and are present no matter what time it is, or how they themselves are feeling, with or without money, they'll be there for you. they'll appear. then you know who really cares for you. not the ones who spend time hanging out with you and disappearing when you really need someone around; but the ones you see once in awhile that treasure you, those are the ones who make life so much better.

life really is much better when you guys are here. thank you.

- everything's just temporary;
11:28 PM

Sunday, February 17, 2008

This is the way yu left me,
I'm not pretending.
No hope, no love, no glory,
No Happy Ending.
This is the way that we love,
Like it's forever.
Then live the rest of our life,
But not together.

Wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
Can't get no love without sacrifice
If anything should happen, I guess I wish yu well
A little bit of heaven, but a little bit of hell

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind
Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around
If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep
I can think that we just carried on

This is the hardest story that I've ever told
No hope, or love, or glory
Happy endings gone forever more
I feel as if I feel as if I'm wasted
And I'm wastin' everyday

yu.

- everything's just temporary;
4:03 PM

Monday, February 11, 2008

and those rich acsi boys must be wondering why that hc boy got all their girls. they just don't understand that its not about money, but about sincerity; its not about the sweet talks, but about the sweet efforts; its not about saying it right, but about saying it with love.

- everything's just temporary;
10:39 AM

valentines day is coming. i am not a valentines day person. now i really sound like a sore loser. oh wells.

on a lighter note. i have alot o readings. and alot alot alot of readings. why is it even called a holiday? i think the definition of that poor word has been changed drastically. i need a BREAK? without doing a single piece of work.

- everything's just temporary;
1:03 AM

Sunday, February 03, 2008

to those of which this blog entry is concerned :

at this point of time when im typing all these down, i am annoyed. honestly, fully annoyed. and you guys should definitely know why. i think that the whole process of deciding whether you want to go for an event is simple. you say yes only after you learn what exactly is happening on the day itself. and please don't give me crap like it's last minute and you suddenly got to change your plans and cancel the attendance. it's your responsibility in the first place to check your schedule before you make a commitment to an event. and if you can't even do such a simple task, i really don't have anything to say to you. i gave information a week ago and you guys had 7 days to decide. after giving me the answer on friday night, you guys still had saturday to change your mind. but its crazy right, to tell me things like oh last minute gathering or last minute reunion dinner. what kind of bullshit is that. YES IM ANNOYED AND THUS IM BITCHY RIGHT NOW. as if everyone has to SUDDENLY change their plans if they had any, to accomodate for the dinner. and the worst thing? it's not like you guys are in secondary school anymore. yet you can't even give and sustain such a simple answer or plan out your dates/schedule well. basic courtesy people. where's that gone to?

- everything's just temporary;
12:11 PM

Saturday, February 02, 2008

what's it like to have missed it? what's it like to make a choice and then think you're so sure you've made the right choice at that point of time; only to second guess yourself after awhile? if anyone knows what i mean.

i was hugging my big elmo that night and then tears just came to my eyes. it was so sudden and unexpected on my part and then i just sat there with my elmo crying for a good 5 mintues or so. just to let it all out. yea, i still carry bits of the past here and there. i was thinking of how elmo was holding that big yellow sunflower on my swing. so i had made a choice. but how am i to know if it's a right one?

i turned my back on someone who was really quite a good friend. but i can still remember the time, and churching. it was almost just like yesterday. everything was all good. if it wasn't the wrong person, it was the wrong time. someone for keepsake. so there again another choice? how is it a good or right one too?

i didn't give myself and somebody else a chance to make friends. and that someone did try. i just didn't even try to be nice. i was an outright mean evil cruel bitch. and i hurt people's feelings. was it all worth it? what was i doing it for? did i even truly want to do it? now that i regret it do i feel happier or better in any way? i've judged people i don't even know. and from my own selfish judgements have in turned lost a potential friend. now even if i try to make up for it, the past is still always there. i'd look so fake. i'd spoil something else thats blooming within other people and creating conflict. so i'm not going to do anything about it. adding on another choice i made, hows it going to be for the better?

i'm really a selfish person. and this selfishness has made me so cold, without compassion. and at this point from all these reflection, i've lost myself and who i was. how can you ever change the past, how can you ever look to the future to think which are the better and right chocies to make? indeed, how do i love in any and every aspect if i am so filled with selfishness?

a quote max gave me tonight which suddenly i'm seeking for strength in:

Love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil; but is happy with the truth. Love never gives up; and its faith, hope, and patience never fail.
Love is eternal.
1 Cor. 13.4-8

- everything's just temporary;
1:20 AM